Toddler Tantrums: Why They Happen and What Helps

Your toddler flings themselves on the grocery store floor because you said no to a cookie. Or melts down because you cut the toast the wrong way. Tantrums can be loud, frustrating and embarrassing, but they are a normal part of being 1 to 4 years old. Understanding why they happen can help you respond in ways that make them shorter and, over time, less frequent.

Why tantrums happen

Toddlers have big feelings and very few tools to handle them. The part of the brain that controls impulses and calms strong emotions is still developing for years. At the same time, toddlers badly want to do things their own way. Put those together and you get frustration that spills over.

Common sparks include:

• Not having the words to say what they want or feel
• Being told no, or having to stop something fun
• Wanting to do something on their own that they cannot do yet
• Being hungry, tired, sick or overwhelmed
• Changes in routine, a new sibling, or stress at home

Tantrums are not a sign of bad parenting or a "bad" child. They are a sign your toddler is still learning.

Heading off tantrums before they start

You cannot prevent every meltdown, but you can lower the odds:

• Protect sleep and meals. Many tantrums happen right before naps or meals. Keep a regular schedule and bring snacks on outings.
• Give warnings. "Two more slides, then we go home" helps your child prepare for a change.
• Offer simple choices. "Red cup or blue cup?" or "Do you want to walk or hop to the car?" gives your toddler some control while you keep the limit.
• Pick your battles. If it is safe and not a big deal, let some things go. Mismatched socks are fine.
• Set up for success. Put tempting off-limits items out of sight, and keep errands short when your child is running low.
• Notice good moments. Specific praise, like "You waited so nicely for your turn," teaches more than correction.
• Help them find words. Name feelings during calm times. "You look frustrated. That tower keeps falling."

Staying calm yourself

Your child's feelings are contagious, and so are yours. When you stay calm, you show your child what calm looks like and help their body settle faster. Take a slow breath, lower your voice and remind yourself that this will pass. If you feel your own anger rising and your child is in a safe place, it is okay to step a few feet away for a moment to collect yourself.

Never shake, hit or spank a child. Shaking can cause serious brain injury, and the American Academy of Pediatrics advises against spanking because it tends to increase aggression and does not teach better behavior.

What to do during a tantrum

• Keep everyone safe. Move your child away from hard edges, streets or breakable things. If they are hitting, kicking or throwing, calmly stop them and hold them gently if needed.
• Use few words. A child in the middle of a meltdown cannot hear reasoning. A short, calm statement is enough: "I will not let you hit. I am right here."
• Do not give in. If the tantrum started because of a limit, keep the limit. Giving in teaches that tantrums work.
• Ignore the show, not the child. For tantrums that are safe, it often helps to stay nearby but not react to the yelling. Some children calm faster with a hug. Others need space. You will learn what works for yours.
• In public, focus on your child, not the audience. Most parents watching have been there. If needed, carry your child to a quieter spot or the car until they settle.

After the storm

Once your child is calm, reconnect. A hug or a quiet moment together tells them you still love them. Then keep it brief: name what happened ("You were really mad that we left the park") and, for older toddlers, talk about what they can do next time, like stomping their feet or saying "I am mad." Skip long lectures. Then move on with your day without holding a grudge.

The AAP's HealthyChildren.org has more tips for handling tantrums, and MedlinePlus explains temper tantrums by age.

Breath-holding spells

Some toddlers cry so hard that they hold their breath, turn blue or pale, and even pass out for a few seconds. This is frightening to watch, but it is usually harmless and the child starts breathing again on their own. Lay your child on their side and stay with them. Tell your pediatrician about the first spell, since a simple check can rule out other causes, such as low iron.

When tantrums may be a concern

Talk with your pediatrician if:

• Tantrums are getting worse after age 4, or are still frequent after age 5
• Your child often hurts themselves, others or property during tantrums
• Tantrums happen many times a day or regularly last a very long time
• Your child seems to have trouble understanding or using words, or is losing skills they had
• Tantrums come with sleep problems, very picky eating or strong reactions to sounds or textures
• You feel overwhelmed, or worry you might lose control

When to call us

Call your A thru Z Pediatrics office if any of the concerns above sound familiar, after your child's first breath-holding spell, or if you would just like help building a plan for tough moments. Asking for support is a sign of good parenting.

Call 911 if your child passes out and does not start breathing again on their own, has a seizure that lasts more than a few minutes, or is seriously hurt.

To talk about your toddler's behavior, request a visit.